15th
“The joy of a spirit is the measure of its power.” (Ninon de Lencios)
There was no more joyful spirit than Sean, and thus, the power he holds over us when all we have left of him is spirit. It is a challenge; the biggest one I’ll ever face, ie to be joyful when my spitit feels so lost and confused. There is one thing I do know: Sean would not want us to be sad. He spent his life laughing whenever he could and using whatever means he had to, to get to the place where he could laugh again. It may have taken its toll, but to him, sad was not a place he wanted to stay, nor would he want to leave us there.
When Sean was little, he got frustrated easily, so I read him The Little Engine That Could over and over. “I think I can.” “I think I can.” I used to tell him that can’t meant won’t. Well, he has taught me a few things along the way. He has shown me that indeed he could. He could do anything he put his mind to. To have accomplished so much without being related to musicians in any way and without compromising his art is amazing. “Love is Amazing” is one of the songs that Sean sang that I have always loved the most. He never recorded it, yet he did it so beautifully that I wonder why it never made the cut. “It’s me for you, you for me, together we can do anything we want to do….” I know he felt that way when he was well. He loved his band members and believed they could do anything, And, from what I hear and read, when you played with him, you felt the same way.
The numbness of Sean’s leaving me is wearing off and I am tempted to give up “If you leave me, I will surely, surely, surely die.” Sean had so many ups and downs in his career, and many unlucky breaks, but he didn’t give up. He didn’t die. He kept on trying. How many musicians have held a band together for 10 years at his age, while being band leader, lead musician, creative force and driver of the van: )? A Handy nomination, gold record, major publication cover, etc, etc. and at all times, Sean was the driving force. He never gave up. When a key band member stranded him in Las Vegas one week before his CD release party, he came home, put a band together, did a radio show on Tuesday and a TV show on Friday, and showed up for that release party and played his heart out one week later, with rented equipment! He was crushed and hurt and confused and disappointed, but he didn’t quit. More importantly, I still heard him laugh. Maybe he was down and out inside, but he never let it interfere with his job, passion, his responsibility. He was nothing if not responsible.
He taught me that you can love many people and help almost everyone who seeks your help, and never tell a soul. Never brag about your accomplishments, or how many people you loved and loved you. It is such a personal matter and just so much a part of the fiber of your being that there is no need for accolades or self-promotion. He didn’t even think about it. He just was.
He taught me that family isn’t always your own blood; it can just as well be whomever you choose it to be. For him, it was the musicians and fans that became the center of his life and purpose; although, his love of family was always the center of his heart and he wasn’t afraid to show it. He always wanted Glenn and me to come to his shows, and if he were in another town, he loved when other family members came.
Most importantly, he taught me that one can smile even when they are hurting. Sean’s laughter is notorious among those who knew him, and his smile is iconic. We didn’t always know how much he was hurting, but instead of basking in his pain, trying to bring others down because he was, he found a way to laugh. This has to be the epitome of unselfishness. Sean largely hid his pain to not bring others down with him, sometimes masking his own urgent need of love and support and direction.
So, you see, I am challenged once again by Sean. (He always did challenge me and the status quo!) I want to cry and be sad and let everyone know how sad I am. How can I not be? He left me so I feel that I will “surely, surely, surely die.” But I can’t/won’t. It is not the legacy he has left nor the path he would accept for me or anyone who loved him. He had more courage and spirit than anyone that I have ever known. Given a different set of circumstances, he would be here today playing his heart out and showing us his infamous smile. He would want each of us to do the same in his memory. Sadness is not the legacy he has left us. Kindness is. Generosity is. Forgiveness is. Trying to be better and better is. No Half-Steppin’ is: “I’ve got to keep on going everyday.”
I have been able to listen to a few of Sean’s songs just recently. When I listen to them, I can see his facial expression and the stance with each and every phrase of the song. It’s a gift to me, that I can see and hear him as if he were still here. I am blessed with all of the people he loved and who loved him that have been willing to share that love with me. I am blessed with the memories of an adorable and sweet child who always had just a little devil in him, just enough to make me laugh, ok sometimes, be angry. I am blessed with his sisters and Glenn who each have their own memories of this increible being. I just don’t know if I am blessed with his resilience, the ability to keep on going, to sing when no on is listening, to smile when hurting. This is the challenge that I now must face. To channel Sean. To laugh even though I’m down. To produce even when I’m exhausted. To love even when I would be justifiably angry.
I’m ninety days into my new role and I’m not sure that I have the stuff to make it as far as Sean did in his world. But, I will try because he did, and that’s what he would want me to do. Because he left me with “a light that keeps on shining.”…. I think I can. I think I can……
His spirit is so powerful, it can only be meant to bring us joy.
12th
2008 Buffalo Benefit Concert
BUFFALO BENEFIT GREAT SUCCESS
On Sunday, July 6th, Ray Hangen and his wife, Gabrielle, organized a wonderful tribute to Sean to benefit the Sean Costello Memorial Fund for Bipolar Research. Sean had a strong connection to the Buffalo Music Community which began when Ray Hangen became his drummer after the self-titled CD, Sean Costello. Indicative of the kindness of Ray and his family was the fact that whenever Sean stayed in Buffalo, he was given Gabrielle’s mother’s home to use as his own. I often talked to Sean as he was driving over to Ray’s to hang out or have dinner with them and their 3 children: Michaela, Jacob and Grace. Sean was absorbed into their family and came home with crayon drawings of “The Band” and many tales of how wonderful the kids were and how much he enjoyed them. Here, he had a second home.
Glenn and I went to Buffalo for the benefit despite reservations on my part about being able to socialize and keep from crying to the detriment of the event. I should not have worried. Gabrielle works 3 days a week, has three children ages 6, 8 and 10, and had just moved the family into their new home 1 and ½ weeks prior to the benefit. Despite these responsibilities, she welcomed us into her home and gave up their room. She organized everything from professional posters, to raffles and food sales. She awoke at 6:30 AM and made fruit kabobs, placed table cloths, arranged the club, etc (with the help of Michaela, Jake, and Grace). She then worked the door from 1 PM until almost 11PM.
Ray recruited and organized all of the performances and filled in as drummer for almost the entire day. Given that he has been too distraught to listen to Sean’s last CD, We Can Get Together, on which he plays, this was a commitment of pure love for Sean. The sentiments of the Hangen family are apparent on the beautiful poster, where they refer to Sean as their friend and brother. The way that Ray and Gabrielle and their family love Sean is such a tribute to him, that as a mother, I was never more proud or touched.
The day was very warm for Buffalo, and despite the heat, each of the bands played their hearts out. There were so many bands that wanted to play, they were limited to 15 minute sets, and still they came and played. I have never been to Buffalo before. I knew that Sean loved Ray and his family. I can now honestly say that I love them, too. Most of the bands were from Buffalo, and they included:
Jack Civiletto
Allen St. Jazz Band
Acid Funk Duo, featuring Ron Davis and Ray Hangen
Mr. Conrad
Bass Reeves & The Outfit
The Allison Pipitone Band
Mark Winsick Band
The Blues Hounds
Scott Cable
Dave Gross with Gina Sicilia
That Buffalo has a wealth of talent is evidenced by Sean’s choice of musicians in the past few years and was demonstrated to me Sunday. In addition to the talent and generosity of the musicians, many of whom stayed the whole day and contributed generously to the Fund, were the Blues fans of Buffalo. Each person I met was nicer than the next and conveyed a love for Sean the person as well as Sean’s talent. I want to thank Scott Cable who came all the way from North Carolina and was there all day, adding guitar to whomever needed him. A special acknowledgment goes to Gina Sicilia and Dave Gross who drove all the way from DC to participate on Sean’s behalf, arriving late in the evening and putting their heart and soul into their performance. They are obviously talented young blues performers; however, their kind and generous spirits magnified the impact of their performance. Sean was similar in nature and would wish them, as I do, all the best with their careers. All they need is a little luck; talent, looks, personality and work ethic are already apparent.
I cannot thank Ray and Gabrielle enough for the way in which they honored Sean. There are no words to convey how I appreciated their love and caring for Sean and now his legacy. As his mother, I always worried about him when he was on the road. I now know that I had nothing to worry about when he was in Buffalo and I do not doubt that they will keep his memory alive in their hearts. I can ask for no greater gift. Monetarily, the event was a great success, donating as much to the fund as a Blues Festival earlier this spring. Greater than that, to me, is the love they shared with me for Sean. We will never forget Buffalo and the Hangen family, as Sean never did. They will live in our hearts right next to Sean. We hope to use their endeavor to increase our knowledge of Bipolar Disorder and improve outcomes of treatment so that no other Mother has to lose her son through this disease. Sean was a gifted musician, that I knew; however, I am beginning to see that his greatest gift were his friends in the Blues community. I hope to be able to return the gift in some way.
12th
So many have said that I am brave. It isn’t so. I am just a Mother who has lost her son too soon. I could say that it is worse because of his talent and potential, but that would be so wrong. There is no relative value to life. Everyone’s life is precious and each loss leaves a hole in the universe. I am not brave. I am lost and feel beaten. There is nothing in the world that I ever cherished more than my children. There is no decision I ever made without considering what it would first do to my children, and yet I have failed. Failed to keep my son in this world as long as he deserved and to enjoy his own children. How adorable and talented would they be? I have his rocking chair from when he was small in my family room. He often reminded me that it was his, and when he had kids, he was going to take it. I wish that he had. I dreamed of helping him raise children that he would love and sing to and be silly with. I had hoped that starting something in his name would help me deal with his loss. Perhaps it is just too soon, because I don’t feel that there is a way to deal with his being gone. If mothers feel bad when their child skins their knee, how am I to feel? Sean only ever wanted to play music and I knew there were dangers there; yet, he told me he had to. He had no choice. What choices did I make on his behalf that could have had a better outcome? If only I could do it over again. What would I change? I’d give my life for his. I told him I would. He told me I didn’t understand his world, but I did. I have seen it all and wanted to let him think that the world was good if only you believed it. The alternative leads to a cynacism that I never wanted to adopt. Well, he was good to the world, but the world wasn’t always good to him. Friends and doctors failed him. Maybe I failed him by teaching him to be good. He couldn’t hurt anyone. He couldn’t say no to anyone. He hated confrontation and was surrounded by it. How could I protect a soul who didn’t want to get hurt or hurt others? It confused him. Maybe God knew that too many had taken and too few given. Maybe He knew that Sean couldn’t bear the tough breaks that life dishes out. Maybe He just wanted him to come home. Whatever the reason, it isn’t Sean who failed. It is the world who failed Sean, and I am right in the center of his world. Maybe tomorrow when we see someone so fragile and kind, we will honor him and refuse to help him hurt himself. We will do as he did and put others first. We will take him home so his family knows he needs help before it is too late. We will teach our children that life is not always kind, but that lack of kindness is not always deserved. I always told Sean that he could do anything, and for the most part he did. It’s what I didn’t tell him that haunts me now. He always said I hated the dark side of life and I do. I try to protect myself from it and shelter my children. Isn’t that what mothers are supposed to do? I don’t know anymore. I just know that I loved Sean as much as anything on this earth and I do not know how a mother cannot be but ashamed to have lost her child. The guilt is real. The longing to redo something to change the outcome is excrutiating. I always told Sean that I didn’t care if he were famous, only that he was a good person. He was a good person and of that I am proud. If there are those who bear some guilt along with me for his parting then I am sorry for you, for there is no just cause for hurting Sean, and every reason to have helped him.
I am not brave. Only a mother with other children still left in this world. I have yet to reconcile my despair with a need to make the world safer for the Seans of this world. I have yet to comprehend that he is gone, never to return. I think of him as being on a tour. I have yet to even look at his clothes or things in his room or the garage. There is so much I have saved to give him. What do I do with it now? No, I am not brave. Just human and trying to determine why him? why me? I write because I have no other means to express my feelings to the world. My children and husband are as sad as I; how can I burden them? I will try to face tomorrow with new found resolve. With some sort of understanding. At least with a face that will fool the world, for I am not brave, I am broken.
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